The custody evaluator determined that I have not facilitated a positive relationship between my HCcP (high conflict co-parent) and our child.
What? How?
I’m accused of not fostering a positive relationship because I don’t see it is my responsibility to tell our child that, when the OP ignores her, fails to give her attention, lies to her, tells her to stay in the room where she sleeps and eat all her meals, that the other parent (OP) loves her. I don’t make excuses for the OP’s behavior. The OP filed multiple motions to get more time with our child, and yet, the OP doesn’t use the time already given in a quality way. Our child tells me that the OP has work to do, lies about the weather being cold, when the day is a perfect 75 degrees and sunny. The OP drove around doing errands with our child in the back seat and nothing to do except get car sick.
In healthy relationships, when does a couple need to hear from a third person that the other one loves him/her? Never. A third person making such a statement occurs when only in unhealthy relationships. Then the claim of loves goes something like this:
“You know he really loves you. He didn’t mean to punch you. He was just having a bad day.” Or,
“She really loves you, you know. She just had a bad night and was hung over. She really didn’t mean all those things she screamed at you yesterday. She is really sorry when she threaten to leave. She loves you. She will never leave. You two are made for each other.”
I will not lie to my child. I will not claim the OP loves her, when the OP’s actions are abusive. Abuse and neglect are not love and I will not pretend that those behaviors are loving. I can, however, say that the OP is different from most other people and is incapable of expressing positive feelings in healthy ways. I can let our child know that the OP cannot help the way that the OP is.
When I don’t have money to buy our child extra snacks for her lunch and the OP has not paid child support, the Court says that I cannot tell the child the OP hasn’t paid child support. If I do inform our child that the OP hasn’t paid, I have made the OP look bad and thus open myself up to punishment by the Court. Do you know what I say to this?
If the OP doesn’t want to look bad to his/her children, then don’t act poorly. Pay the child support.
This morning I realized what I’m NOT supposed to do/say that is viewed by the Court to “harm” their relationship. I am not to tell the truth. I am not to tell our child that the OP hasn’t paid child support. I’m not supposed to tell our child that I’ll see if the OP will exchange the upcoming holiday so that our child can see her grandmother for my scheduled holiday that the OP intentionally scheduled a summer vacation week.
More importantly, don’t tell the child that the OP refused to flip the holiday, or even agree to take half the holiday in exchange for the whole day. Again, don’t tell the truth. Stay silent. Or lie and say that we both decided not to flip holidays and that it is best that I drive at 2 AM in the morning to get our child back to the OP by 10 AM.
“We.” The infamous ‘we’ implies that the HcOP and I are in agreement, that we work together, communicate in a healthy manner and always put our child first. And maybe that helps the child in the moment, but I do not believe it helps them in the long run. Why? Because I would be gaslighting our child. I would be denying our child’s reality of knowing how the OP treats her and the treatment she observes the OP doing to me. Tell me how this behavior helps our child. Tell me how I can continue building a strong trusting relationship with our child, when I am complicit in the lie? You cannot because I would be destroying our relationship.
My openness and honest actions with our child was to protect our child from abuse and teaching how to navigate a relationship with someone like my co-parent. I come to find out that, according to the Court, I am supposed to cover up bad behavior, make excuses for bad behavior, “protect” the child from knowing/learning the trust about my co-parent and this is how I am to foster a positive relationship between child and HCcP. All the while, mind you, the child already knows what the OP is like. So in essence, the Court expects me to gaslight* my child regarding the OP. This is at the expense of the importance of my relationship with our child – a relationship built on trust, love and honesty.
What? Why?
Why, you might ask. Because the Court knows who the healthy parent is and knows that the healthy parent will do what s/he is told/ordered to do. The Court knows that if they threaten or warn the healthy parent that s/he is at risk of losing the child(ren), the healthy parent will do whatever is ordered, even if that means lying and gaslighting. I will not do this, however, I will become smarter in how and what I do in raising a healthy child and reduce the negative effects of the OP’s poor behavior.
I will do whatever is necessary to protect my child from unhealthy relationships and abuse, but I will not lie to my child. I will not gaslight my child. I will not break my child’s trust. My child, like all children and people, need at least one person that she can trust. And so, I can, in so many words, not lie by stating that I cannot say.
I support you to do the same with your children. I am here to help you get through these rough times and raise your child(ren) in the healthiest way possible. You have, in fact, taken the first step when you went on ling looking for information about HCcP
*Make someone doubt his/her reality.